At 6 weeks, during our first ultrasound, we found out I was having twins. There were no words to describe our excitement. Our dream had come true. At 16 weeks, we found out it was a boy and a girl. What could be more perfect? We decided to name them Mia Rosalie (after my Grandmother) and Parker Kennedy (after Chris's grandmother). We talked to them every night. We told them how much we loved them and how excited we were to meet them.
From about 15 weeks, I could feel them move. Parker was very active. I was sure he was going to be a boxer or soccer player or something. Mia hardly ever moved. She was on the bottom and probably had less room. Parker however, took my breath away with his punches and kicks. He was one strong little guy! When I entered the last trimester, they moved less and it was hard to tell who was moving since there was so little space.
Me, being a planner, had everything set up by 28 weeks. The nursery was ready, babies clothes were washed and put away, car seats were installed...everything. I was so ready for their arrival.
My pregnancy was uneventful until about 32 weeks. Around that time I went into preterm labor and was put on bed rest. At 34 weeks, I breathed a huge sigh of relief as I felt like I was out of the "danger zone". Now I just had to wait until my scheduled c-section on September 21st. Little did I know....
On September 9, 2008, at 35 weeks and 6 days, I had a checkup with my OB. Everything looked great. Both babies had strong heartbeats. I went home that night and relaxed (as much as you can relax when you are that far along with twins). I do remember begging her that day to deliver them.
September 10th is a blur. I seriously think about this day all of the time. I wish I could remember when I stopped feeling him move. The guilt is sometimes overwhelming. All that I know is...the babies were so big, I could not tell who was moving and who was not. There was so little space.
On the morning of September 11, 2008, I had my last appointment with my High Risk Dr. Unfortunately, the Dr was not in and the sonographer was new. I relive this day over and over in my head. I don't remember what she looked like, but I remember the expression on her face. I knew something was wrong. Finally, she said, "I can't find Baby B's heartbeat. I'm going to send you to Labor and Delivery." We went to Labor and Delivery and our fear was confirmed. Parker was gone. They hooked me up to one monitor (for Mia) and started getting a team together to deliver the babies. This took a while as they needed 2 NICU teams in addition to the regular surgical staff. At around 5pm, I was wheeled back to the OR. I was wheeled back and given an epidural. At 5:44pm, Mia Rosalie was delivered. She was beautiful...more beautiful than I could have ever imagined. Dr. T held her up and she had the most perfect little round face. She was crying and I was so happy. Chris followed her back so the NICU team could check her out. For the next few minutes there was deafening silence. At 5:47pm, Parker Kennedy was delivered. There was no crying. No screaming. Nothing. He was taken back before I knew it. As they were sewing me up, Dr. T said that it was due to an umbilical cord accident. He had an extremely long cord and it was wrapped around his neck, leg, and arm twice.
Around 15 minutes later, I was wheeled into the delivery room and finally able to see both of my babies. Mia was perfect and healthy, weighing in at 5 lbs 15 oz. Her pink cheeks and pouty lips made us fall in love instantly.
Parker looked like me. He had my pointy ears, my nose, and my lips. He had dark wavy hair and weighed in at 4 lbs 14 oz.
Throughout the next 5 days, we held Parker every day. We kissed him, hugged him, rocked him, had him baptized, and took pictures. This may sound strange to you. It would have to me, but until you are in our situation, you never know how you will react. My biggest regret is that I didn't do more. I should have dressed him, changed his diaper, looked him over. I still wonder...what color eyes did he have? Did he have any birth marks? My only consolation is that I know that whatever he was here, he is perfect now and someday, we will see him again.
So....that is the story of Mia and Parker and it is half of the reason for the title of this blog. Losing Parker broke my heart. That is not to say that I was not happy. It is hard to explain how you can feel 2 completely opposite emotions at the same time and feel them equally. I was so incredibly happy and grateful for Mia and at the same time, utterly devastated.
Since losing Parker, Chris and I do our best to remember him in ways that would make him proud and in the meantime, we enjoy every second with Mia and do our best to keep his memory alive.
