From time to time I get asked what to say and how to "help" someone who has recently lost a child. We are very open about our lives and specifically about Parker so I'm always willing to talk to others who are going through a similar situation. But I figured, there may be other people out there as well wondering..."how can I help?". So, I wanted to make a list for you. These are things that some people did for us and ideas that I have heard from others that I really like. I'm sure I have left some things out, but this is a start. Also, everyone deals with grief differently. I am not talking for all women, just things that I found helpful.
-The best thing someone did for me was listen. I had friends who would almost cringe when I mentioned Parker's name because they felt so uncomfortable. But, I'll always remember what my BFF, Kari did for me. She told me no matter what time it was or when, if I wanted to talk about Parker, she would always listen. That meant the world to me. I am so grateful for her friendship and willingness to listen.
-Remember important dates. Remember your friend on holidays and anniversary's/birthdays. For me, the toughest are the weeks leading up to their birthday, mothers day (as that was also when I miscarried another baby), and New Years.
-Text, call, or email your friend and let them know you are thinking of them.
-Make them a meal. This is something you can do to let them know you are thinking of them. It is especially helpful if they are recovering from surgery or caring for another newborn.
-Send a card. I received so many cards with poems and scriptures and I kept every one. I still get them out and reread them every once in a while. Those words, from family, friends, and strangers, all mean so much to me.
-Send a gift. It doesn't have to be extravagant, but I received some of the most thoughtful gifts. I really loved the stars that my office and my friend Kari named after Parker. I also got a beautiful necklace with an angel that I wear sometimes as a reminder as well as a bracelet with Parker's name on it.
-Lastly, I read about making a name gallery. I did not do this, but I absolutely love this idea. You cut out the baby's name (from books/magazines, etc) and make a name board for the mother. I love talking about Parker. I love to hear or see his name. I can't tell you enough how much I love it. It lets me know he is remembered and just makes me happy. Taking time to cut out the name in various places, fonts, etc. is such a thoughtful way to show someone you are thinking of them and their child. Again, I can't speak for all parents who have lost a child, but personally, I love this idea.
Things you should not do:
Since I am making lists, I wanted to also include a few things that really irritated me, that people say unintentionally, thinking they are helping.
-Don't say: "at least you have another child". Just because you have another child (specifically in our case we had twins) does not mean that it makes losing the other any easier. One child does not replace another.
-Don't say: "You'll have more children, you're young". That parent doesn't want to hear that. They want the child they lost.
Don't say: "Everything happens for a reason". Though, I do believe this...at the time, it did not help. I didn't want to hear about "reasons", I wanted to hear how beautiful and perfect he was and how he would be missed.
I hope this helps and can help you comfort another mother in this situation.
