Our story began 5 years ago. After trying to conceive unsuccessfully for about a year, we sought out help through a fertility clinic. In January 2008 I found out I was pregnant. Four weeks later, I learned that it was twins. There are no words to describe our excitement. I had secretly (or maybe not so secretly) always dreamed of having twins. The Doctor described my babies that day as 2 diamond rings and I loved that analogy as they were (and still are) so precious to me. They had strong heartbeats. Other than the horrific morning sickness, I had a good pregnancy up until 30 weeks.
At 30 weeks, I went into preterm labor and was put on bed rest. I was ok with that. I would have done anything to protect my babies. I continued having weekly appointments with my OB and biweekly appointments with the high risk specialist. At 35 weeks, 6 days, I was seen by my OB. This was the turning point in my pregnancy. I remember begging her to take the babies that day. I was partially joking at the time, but didn’t realize what a pivotal moment that really was. Of course, she said no. Sometime between that morning and 2 days later (at 36 weeks, 1 day), I lost my son, Parker.
I can’t tell you when it happened. For that, I will always feel tremendous guilt. I mean, how could I not know? It happened in my belly…on my watch! My job was to protect my children and I failed. That is how I saw it. I still think back and wonder…when did it happen? Did it hurt? Did Mia know what was going on?
This is what I do know… Thursday morning, September 11, I went to see the high risk Doctor. The ultrasound tech was abnormally quiet. I just thought she was having a bad day. I didn’t really pay attention. Finally, she said she needed to find the Doctor. I asked what was wrong. I was starting to panic at that point. She said she could not find a heartbeat for baby B.
Shortly after, I was sent across the street to Labor and Delivery where it was confirmed that we lost our son. We lost Parker. I was put in a room for a couple of hours with one pink monitor on my belly instead of 2 (a pink and a blue). In some ways, that afternoon is a blur and in others, I remember it in slow motion. Family came. They tried to stay positive, trying to keep me from getting upset. I called my Dad who insisted the Doctor was wrong and maybe Parker was ok. It was surreal.
At 5:44pm, I delivered the most beautiful little girl I have ever seen. Mia Rosalie was born weighing 5 lbs and 15 oz and screaming. It was music to my ears.
At 5:47pm, the room was silent as I delivered my 4 lbs, 14oz son, Parker Kennedy.
My husband had gone with Mia and it was just me and the Doctor and nurses and NICU team. The umbilical cord had wrapped around his neck, arm, and leg twice. It was a long thin cord, which sometimes happens with twin births. My Doctor said she had never seen a baby so tangled. I knew this had to be true as he was the most active baby I’ve ever felt (even since then). He was constantly doing flips. Now, you may wonder…if he was constantly moving, didn’t you wonder why he stopped? The answer is no. By the time I was 36 weeks along, they were so big I couldn’t tell who was who in there. I wish I could say that I felt him not move. I wish I could pinpoint when it happened, but I can’t.
After losing Parker, we decided to try again. I got pregnant on my own 6 months later and at 8 weeks (on my first Mother’s Day weekend no less), after hearing the strong normal heartbeat, we lost that baby as well.
Three months later, we tried IVF again and I gave birth to a gorgeous 6 lb, 12 oz little boy, Paxton Christopher, who brings me so much joy every day.
While my story is a sad one…I am not the only one. So many people experience infant and newborn loss, stillbirth, and miscarriage every day. Let’s take this month to remember all of our babies.
If you are looking for ways to help or ways to remember your baby, here are some ideas that we do:
· Walk in the March of Dimes, March for Babies
· Donate toys to the hospital every year on Parker’s birthday
· Adopt 2 children at Christmas for the 2 we lost
· Plant a tree
· Talk about them. We are very open about our loss and I just love hearing his name and knowing that people remember him
