At some point between September 9th (afternoon) and the morning of September 11th, I lost my first son, Parker. I believe it happened on September 10th. There is no reason for this, except mother's intuition. When you are 36 weeks pregnant with twins, it is hard to tell who is moving and who is not. Limbs are everywhere--literally. The guilt I still feel and will likely always feel is enormous and sometimes more than I can bear. I know it wasn't my fault, but I can't help thinking...how did I not realize he wasn't moving? How did I not know? I was his mother. I should have known. I should have felt it somehow.
I keep hoping that it will get easier. Some years are better than others. This year is especially hard. 5 years is a big milestone. It doesn't help that I have also had Paxton and my Dad's health issues to stress about. Lately, I've been wondering...Did Parker have any birth defects? Was his heart perfect? Did he have any birth marks? I kick myself for not checking. I take comfort in knowing that Parker is perfect now. I can never get that time back, but I know he is in Heaven. He is happy and he is perfect. And...he is waiting to meet me someday.
Yes, take comfort in knowing he IS perfect, and you WILL see him again some day. Thinking of you today <3
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